Screw You, Ladies at the Holiday Parade…

For years, we have a Family tradition of attending the Chuy’s Children Giving to Children holiday parade when we are in town.  We wake up early and everything.  Not something we like to make a habit out of, but find it in our hearts for this day.  Couple cups of coffee and a little bit of holiday ass grabbing, we eventually make our way into the city for the festivities.  Parking at the local Hooter’s (which happens to be a popular bnf hangout, what?!?  I go for the buffalo wings, honest), we park and walk, finding an opening in the already gathered crowds of thousands that line the street.  Making our way to the front, we settle in while the kids cruise the street waiting for the parade to begin.  But after the recent Dateline special, they’ll never do that again.  Sorry kids.

Greg offers to buy me the hot dog I was really craving at 10:30 am as I hold down our spots for all of us.  Till this lady with a giant stroller and two kids pushes her way in, without even asking, between me and the neighbor I shared this valuable real estate with.  She says she needs to get her little boy in the sun as it’s a little chilly outside.  Being literally pushed over, she parks right in front of our spots, I try to be calm as I watch her two kids take a seat on the pavement.  At first, I think ‘well the kids are little and are seated and not in our way, so that’s cool.’  Then she continues to suffocate the rest of us with herself as well.  But wait, her friend comes in and joins in, almost like she was waiting in the wings for the eagle to land.  You know the kind of parade crasher I’m talking about, the kind with the hideous red Christmas sweatshirt, mom jeans, big purse, baby voice talking, it’s all for the kids type.  She joins in acting like she’s trying to be careful to not be in the way, but is a fucking total solar eclipse of everything.   We have officially been shoved back by the local Mary Kay lady and her accomplice.  I’m looking around for the kids and Greg as I’m holding the two dogs, trying to find the words to say something civil knowing that’s not going to happen. I failed.  I was overcome with that shame that I know is gonna follow me around for being a tad too nice.

The rest of our Family comes together as the parade begins and we are in awe of the lack of control these people have.  They buy all the parade shit that makes its way down the line, they talk loudly about the parade floats passing by, and take a thousand pictures they’ll never look at again.  They cheer for the military, they applaud the cheerleaders, and when the giant blow up characters come by they suddenly burst out in this high pitched baby voice eagerly trying to convince their kids that Shrek is really here, he’s really here!  Guess what ladies, Shrek thinks you’re ugly.  The kids are buying it up yelling in excitement and making me think we should forget about the war in Iraq, these ladies are raising killing machines right here on our turf.  The teenage punk rises up in me making me want to reach down and whisper to the kids how Shrek plans on beating the crap out of them in the alley after the parade and turning their moms into drug addicts.  There I said it.  I know it’s not the kids fault, so save your cheesy family first comments because I don’t care.  Oops, I did it again…

The parade ends and after an hour and a half with these ladies it really made me realize that it’s good to be nice, but not to a fault.  I understand that now and am feeling a little less ridiculous about it now.  Especially since I left a little something in the bottom of their stroller…something really gross…Happy Holidays!

The lady in the blue hat is the devil.
The lady in the blue hat is the devil.

Things I Would Love to do Naked…

People often make their funny comments about the word BareNakedFamily when we first meet…So many times we have been asked if we actually get naked, which makes me wonder what people are visualizing in their heads when standing right there in front of me.  I have to admit it’s pretty awesome having to answer that question when most folks are never asked so openly about getting naked.  Though we have rarely gotten naked with the general public, it got me thinking about a few things I would love to do naked…

  • water the grass…with a hose
  • wrestle with Greg in chigger free grass
  • snowboard on the slopes back in Washington
  • cook Greg dinner…nothing greasy for obvious reasons…ouch
  • meet Sammy Hagar:)
  • TRAMPOLINE!
  • drive across a state line, sunglasses, and music blasting
  • eat buffalo wings
  • lay in a hammock…canvas, not netted
  • experience a tub full of jello
  • order something off of TV
  • night time hike through the woods
  • grocery shop in Trader Joe’s
  • have a naked party with a few friends indulging in bad habits
  • make a music video
  • ride in the backseat of ____’s car
  • show up at a friends door with a bottle of wine
  • crouch down in a basement grunting
  • strike a pose with tourists
  • play video games
  • paint my living room
  • smile
  • Las Vegas
  • Hang out of a cable car in San Francisco
  • dance to Icelandic music
  • offer someone money for gas
  • something with Steven Page
  • serve cocktails
  • visit a National Park
  • take a karate lesson
  • attend Angelina Jolie’s birthday party which required an RSVP
  • write a blog…check!

I Prefer No Body Odor…

So, I was reminded today of a hippy situation we encountered recently.  My standoff’ness came across as rude and dislike when it was really  more of a disconnect really.  For years as we have traveled as BareNakedFamily and people have often called us hippies, to which we quickly reply ‘Uh, hell no!  We brake for Starbucks!’ But if it helps,  we try to buy the organic stuff.

Well, let me set the record straight…when you think that I do not like you maybe seeing it from my point of view will help you understand where I’m coming from.

It’s hard to get to know someone and put your best foot forward when their smell literally peels your face off.  I get it…there’s better and healthier ways to apply deodorant, but apply something when you expect to hug people and be hugged back.  One time, this lady hugged me and I felt her armpit literally make love to my shoulder during the hug and for the rest of the day could not get her B.O. off of me.  Gross.  So, there’s that.

Also, I love vegetarians though I’m not one.  But when indulging in a huge plate of spinach right in front of someone while having a face to face conversation about your latest and greatest art project that came to you in the middle of the night, you might want to chew with your mouth closed. It’s hard to buy into that wholesome thing when half processed food is hanging on your every word.  Unless it’s part of the art project, but the last time I saw an exhibit like that I was in another country and paid good money to see it, if you know what I mean.  I work real hard to conceal the dead carcass that I’m chewing on when having conversations over dinner with hippies or not.  I think I learned that when I was about four.

I will never pee in a bag, but thanks for asking.

We love our kids…we love your kids…but for the love of all things holy, grab a hand and take your kid out of a situation rather than talking and helping them transcend from the negative space and into a meditation level while the rest of the world is staring.  I get it.  I support it, but am also a proponent for manners and discipline as supplementing parental guidelines.  I call it parent balls, grow a pair and help control your kid.  Then we’ll stop making excuses to stay at home rather than join you at the art gallery for the newest installation of ‘Help End Poverty in a Third world Country’, unless it’s of the paying kind of art show we like…wink wink.  So what, we’re weird too.

Tits are great!

When you make love in front of me, I think it’s awesome.

Don’t knock capitalism and big box when hippy made products can easily out do a Saturday festival strolling budget.   Sometimes at the end of a Family budget, mama’s gotta shop the bigger guys to afford something for herself.

Oh, and one more thing…really if I could just be honest…what do you do with the pee in a bag?